


The Blood Is On Your Tongue As Well As Your Hands

by Amberly



Series: Just Like Heaven [18]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: M/M, PTSD, Panic Attack, Rage, Suggested Codependence, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:14:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27282487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberly/pseuds/Amberly
Summary: He doesn’t feel safe. Avoids eye contact and looks out the window. Doesn’t know how this room of people can stand him, after everything he’s done. All the little pieces he’s stolen from them, or the big pieces. Duo isn’t exactly a liar but he is a thief and none of the people he loves are safe. Are, in fact, in the most danger and Duo takes another sip of whiskey. Takes another sip of whiskey and tries not to taste the rising bile. Not to feel the sharp scratchy static at the back of his neck. The base of his skull. There is heat. There is heat and electricity and Duo’s hands shake.
Relationships: Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell
Series: Just Like Heaven [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/405643
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	The Blood Is On Your Tongue As Well As Your Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Duo definitely has what I call a "Rage Panic Attack." Panic attacks look different for everyone, and sometimes they are pure, blind fury and an anger that is gone almost as soon as it comes. It makes him do a ScaryBad thing, and I'm warning you here as best I can without spoiling. You can def message me on tumblr if you need something more clear. 100%. 
> 
> We're building up to some Heavy again, but I promise more soft is coming!
> 
> There IS a chapter between "The Fire In Your Eyes" and this one, just as an FYI. Yes, you'll get to see the takedown. Don't worry =P.

It happens at the palace.

One moment, Duo is fine. Duo is laughing and joking with his friends in one of the many rooms of Relena and Quatre’s private suite. The next he is alone, with Wufei across the room, chatting with Trowa and Heero immediately on his left, talking to Quatre and Relena. Alone, he realizes how subdued the room is. Sips his whiskey and watches the way smiles don’t reach eyes. The way some laughter is too loud. Forced. It’s been like this Since. In the world after Zechs they are all pretending to be normal. They are all walking around it and it feels like a tooth in Coke. The same slow corrosion. This is a room full of people he loves and he has never felt so far away from them. Never felt so much like an exposed nerve around the people who are supposed to be family, make him feel safe.

He doesn’t feel safe. Avoids eye contact and looks out the window. Doesn’t know how this room of people can stand him, after everything he’s done. All the little pieces he’s stolen from them, or the big pieces. Duo isn’t exactly a liar but he is a thief and none of the people he loves are safe. Are, in fact, in the most danger and Duo takes another sip of whiskey. Takes another sip of whiskey and tries not to taste the rising bile. Not to feel the sharp scratchy static at the back of his neck. The base of his skull. There is heat. There is heat and electricity and Duo’s hands shake. He swallows and stares into his glass. Watches-not-watches the ice cubes as they tremble. There is no one to notice, he knows. Everyone is talking, chatting, complete without him, and Duo--

Even years later, he doesn’t know what she said. Doesn’t know what it is that set him off. What Duo knows is this:

One moment he is thinking he should set his glass down before he drops it. The next, he hurls it. Hears it shatter on the wall as he storms across the room. He sees nothing but Relena. Zeroes in on her, body a line of fury, violet eyes blazing. Narrowed so sharply the rest of the room is gone. He is ferocious, intent on shutting her up. Making her stop, making everything stop, the high frequency static rattling around his brain too much. Duo tastes blood and smells smoke and feels heat. He is shouting, screaming at her as he goes and--Quatre is there. Quatre is two inches shorter than Duo and nowhere near as muscular but he’s there. He’s right in Duo’s face, deadly calm and a knifepoint against Duo’s stomach. Right at the bottom of his sternum.

“You don’t want to do this,” Quatre’s voice is sharp and soft in a way only Quatre can do. Only Quatre can pull off and Duo snarls at him. Bares his teeth and inches forward. Feels the sharp point of the knife against his skin with something that is almost relief. There’s a hand on his arm, and he pushes it away. Growls, the rest of the room faceless. A nothingness mass he can’t recognize.

“Gonna protect the traitor?” He taunts. Quatre’s eyes narrow.

“Go home, Duo.”

“Does she know? Does she know what you did?”

“Duo.” A new voice. One he recognizes. One he knows is attached to the tanned hand on his arm. Attached to dark eyes and a secret smile and Duo blinks. His focus shifts to Wufei. Suddenly goes wide, pulling in every detail he wasn’t seeing before. Heero, loosely holding his gun. Trowa, close enough to not need a weapon. To reach Duo and disassemble him with hands and feet if he needs to. Wufei is holding his arm in one hand in nothing in the other. He shoots Quatre a glare and draws Duo toward him and away from the others with careful precision, like removing a splinter.

“Fuck--” Duo gasps. Retches. Brings up whiskey and the whatever they had for dinner. Feels his stomach heave again. Wufei’s hand is cool on the back of his neck, his other hand still on Duo’s arm as he vomits again and the others are blissfully still. Stay where they are and do nothing until Duo stops. Pants shakily, reaching for Wufei with his free hand. They stand (when did they stop standing?) and Wufei says nothing. Ignores the rest of the room as he helps Duo out of it. They know the palace. Know every room, the whole layout, and Wufei takes him to the nearest bathroom. Turns on the tap with one hand, gently smooths back his hair with the other. Duo clings to him. Has his fingers around his wrist, the others balled in his shirt. “Wufei--”

“We need to get you home,” Wufei tells him, voice soft. Duo nods. There’s a knock on the door and Wufei’s nostrils flare. He fills the small glass next to the sink with water and hands it to him. “Sip this.”

Duo takes the glass and nods. Watches Wufei open the door. It’s like looking through a bubble. Watching from somewhere outside of himself. The voice at the door sounds like Trowa. Speaks quiet and quick and Wufei gives a sharp nod, then shuts the door abruptly. He sighs and runs a hand over his hair. Looks over at Duo, who is sipping water. Has sipped the whole time, nausea settling. There is still something skittering. He is still hot, flushed, feels off and disconnected. Wufei takes the glass from him. Runs his fingers over Duo’s cheek as he looks at him.

“Do you think you can manage the ride home? Without throwing up?”

Duo nods. Wets his lips. “Yeah.”

“Good. Come on.” Wufei takes his hand. Squeezes it and leads Duo out of the bathroom and there is a buzz. Still, growing louder as he looks at Wufei’s back. Watches him, swallowing hard and curling in on himself. Shoulders hunching forward. If Wufei notices, he says nothing. Duo thinks he doesn’t. Thinks he isn’t paying attention and why should he? After what he’s done? Duo swallows hard and bows his head. Tries to steel himself for what he knows is coming. It had always been too good to be true, Duo knows that. He climbs into the car and looks out the window. Clutches his hands on his lap the whole silent ride home.

Wufei pulls into the driveway. Parks. Duo misses his concerned looks. Gets out of the car with his head down. Shuts the door and leans up against it. Looks up at the house and thinks about the love that built it. Thinks about the love that built his family, small and broken and full of the jagged edges of trauma. The way he’s shattered it the same way he shattered that glass. He walks into the house like it’s an execution. Follows Wufei to the living room and sits on the couch, drawing his knees up. Resting his chin on them and following Wufei with mournful eyes. 

“Duo,” Wufei starts. He sits next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders hesitantly. Duo’s eyes widen. He tenses and Wufei pauses. Pulls back to look at him. “Do you--need some space?”

“No,” Duo rasps. “No, no space, please no space I’ll--” There are arms around him. Two arms, pulling him tightly to Wufei’s chest. Wufei rests his chin on the top of Duo’s head and Duo is surrounded. Warm and safe and he melts into it with a hiccup. Closes his eyes and takes a long, steadying breath as he tries to--still. Tries to let all the frazzled moving pieces of himself come together and stop rattling.

“You’re safe here, Duo,” Wufei tells him. It’s a level, familiar voice and it does wonders. Helps stop the trembling. He nods against his chest. Takes another steadying breath.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Wufei says. “So does Relena, and Quatre.”

“I didn’t--” 

“Duo,” Wufei pulls back. Cups Duo’s jaw in his hand and strokes his thumb over his cheekbone. “You had a panic attack. No one blames you. It wasn’t your fault.” Duo closes his eyes. He did. He did have a panic attack. Recognizes it after the fact and slumps. Rests in Wufei’s hand as if it could bear all of his weight, the heavy burden he carries. Wufei sighs. Presses a kiss to his forehead and then rests his own against it. “What do you need right now?”

The question hits him like a bus. Like a thrown fist and Duo closes his eyes. Tightens his hold on Wufei’s shirt and genuinely tries to think of an answer. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Duo has no idea. Has no idea what to do in the moments where his brain is too loud, where his skin is sharp and every nerve is a match waiting to be lit. There’s nothing that helps except Wufei and Duo shies away from exploring that immediately. Doesn’t have it in him to think about the implications, the subtle way his therapist has been walking around them. It’s all he has and Duo clings to it. Holds it as tight as he can and tucks himself into the warmth of his lover. The man he hasn't lost. 

“Just you,” he murmurs. Feels Wufei's arms tighten around him. Feels the weight of despair ease as his chin rest on the top of his head. They’ll have to talk, later. But for now. Wufei is around him, his scent in his nose, and it’s enough.


End file.
